The tagline for this blog says, “Follow my journey from Stay At Home Mom to Working Mom.”
Well, the journey has taken me there. I can no longer say that I am a Stay At Home Mom, which by the way is a title that makes me cringe. It always has. Since the day I quit my job after my maternity leave was over, I’ve hated it. I’d prefer to say Full Time Parent, but that title isn’t as widely used. I’d even prefer to just claim that I am unemployed, but that would feel like a lie.
There is something about the combination of those words that irk me. Stay at home? That’s not exactly what I did over those 18 years. That title is lacking in so many ways. I do realize that it’s the modern version of Housewife, and Homemaker, and it means something more than what it says. Don’t they all? A Housewife isn’t just a wife at home. A home maker doesn’t just make the house. A SAHM doesn’t just stay at home.
I think I might need some therapy sessions to deal with my hatred for that title, actually. Having a job (even this very part-part-PART time job) now fills me with a sense of relief that I won’t have to tell anyone I am A SAHM anymore. It’s not even about the fact that I have been a full time parent all of these years. I am very proud of the fact that my husband and I made the decision for me to focus on raising our kids. It’s about the stigma that comes with Housewifery. Trad-wifery. Stay At Home Momming. I don’t want to get into a discussion about my identity crisis due to patriarchy, but that is basically what this is rant is all about.
Don’t put me in a box. Don’t label me.
Can I change that tagline now?
Anyway, this was supposed to be a check in. School (and my job) started four weeks ago. It feels like a whole year has gone by already. Help me. I am tired. What day is it?
Friends, family, and very nice co-workers ask me, “How is your semester going?” And there is something about me that can’t just say “Oh fine, thanks!” or “It’s going great!” or “Really good!” Even though it is all of those things, the melancholy, anxious, pessimistic core of my being always manages to say something like “I’m tired,” or following a deep sigh, “Things are piling up!”
My school has a nickname: Cal State Stair Master. I am serious. It’s true. It’s known. I will have great cardiovascular health at the end of each semester, that’s for sure. There were a few days the first couple of weeks where I just cried at the end of my day. It was so hard on my body that all I could do was cry. The high temperatures didn’t help the situation either. Luckily it is beginning to cool down and I am getting the hang of navigating the campus, but it is still pretty hard on my out of shape, middle aged body. Before you stop and think, well that woman is just out of shape – even the kids at school complain! Some days I have to climb 200+ stairs (yes, I counted). At least I am not the only one drenched in sweat in class.
I didn’t realize my school days would be sprinkled with HIIT workouts.
My daughter told me the other day that someone asked her “Does your mom work?” and she said that she had to pause, she almost forgot that I have a job now. It felt very weird and foreign for her to say “Yes, she does.”
It made me smile. I love this new chapter in our lives, but you guys – I am tired.
OkayestJen smiling through sadness about having to climb those stairs.
Okayest Jen 
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